Restraint

As I was talking to my mother, I said, “I lost my temper again, Mom. It is so difficult for me to remain calm when Alex says something that I don’t agree with. I don’t know why I can’t just disagree calmly. The event was so minuscule. I asked him to research multi-vitamins for me, and he came up with a brand that was too expensive for me. Big deal! He did the research, he gave me a service, and instead of saying ‘thank you’ I yelled at him. Why is it, Mom?”
She sighed and said, “It’s hard to change habits. You are used to yelling to demonstrate disagreement. You’ve been doing it for forty maybe even fifty years. Do you think that by realizing it is not a good way to bond with your partner you will change overnight? No. You made progress by realizing it was not a good tactic. It will make it easier when you realize that when Alex loses his cool, he’s acting on an old habit as well. Breath in, slow down and do your best not to respond. This is restraint.”

I can see a long curve to master that one.

Violence

As I was talking to my mother, she said, “A young man in the grocery store shared an event from the previous week. A young guest of his wife stole a piece of jewelry from the bathroom. He wanted to hit her, but his wife got to her first and slapped her again and again. The young woman called the police, but instead of calling on the wife, she blamed the husband for the beating. The husband kept saying in the grocery store, ‘I’m not a violent man, I committed no crime, I just covered for my wife. I saw her beating the thief, and I enjoyed it, she deserved it. I would have hit her even harder, but I didn’t touch her. I am a peaceful man.’

I looked at him, and he seemed definitely violent to me, he vibrated with rage and fury. I believed him that in that incident he didn’t touch the young woman, but if he didn’t get help, I was afraid he was going to hurt somebody terrible. I heard of Anger Management classes, and I prayed that he took one.

Cop

“An introvert friend got incarcerated and asked to take the Anger Management course. When I asked him why, he murmured, ‘The car.’ When he saw my confusion, he explained. ‘It was rush-hour. I double parked the car in front of the grocery store to get some coffee. Somebody yelled at me to move the car. I told them it’s only a second for the coffee. When I got out, I saw that he spilled some dark drink on my windshield. I got outraged, got into my car and chased him to the next light. I recognized his car. I got out of my car, went to his window and yelled at him why he spilled the drink on my car? I raised my arm and felt the shackles on the other one; a policeman put the shackles on both hands and took me to the station.’ What do you think, Mom?”

“That man is a lucky man because he obviously has anger issues. If he learns to modify his behavior with the incident that happened, he will avoid getting in bigger trouble in the future. Sometimes we are given a gift in disguise. We think it is about what we did, but it is actually to save us from what we shouldn’t do in the future. I hope your friend learned not to double park during rush hour to get his coffee, but instead to park far away in the parking lot to avoid all kind of trouble.”

Sometimes I think my mom could be a great cop!

Fatherhood

As I was talking to my mother, I said, “I was making conversation to a young man on the ferry called Bob. He told his fourteen-year-old son got involved in a bad way. Bob had him when he was twelve. The son skipped school, harassed his schoolmates and in general did everything to aggravate everybody. Bob smacked him when he heard of his bad behavior from the Principal, and hoped that it would help. Bob is twenty-six and never lived with the boy’s mother. I had no idea how to advise Bob, Mom. What would you have said?”

My mother shook her head, “That is a dire situation, and no amount of ‘smacking’ is going to help the young person. If Bob were here, I would request him for the next six years to forget his plans and aspirations. His son needs a united front of mother and father. He has to reconcile with the mother’s child and move in with her. Together they have to turn their son into the center of their life. One of the parents would take the boy to school every day, do homework with him, talk and bond with their son. Bob needs to let his son know what is important not by smacking, which will only increase the boy’s anger, but by discussing good values and right behavior. When Bob was twelve, he created a human being. It is his responsibility to raise him right. Otherwise, the son will turn to violence, drugs and eventually prison.”

I looked at my mother with surprise and respect. It was rare that she was harsh on someone’s behavior, but I respected her words; she tried to save the boy’s life.

Thanksgiving

As I was talking to my mother, I said to her, “I met my friend Elke and her husbabnd to celebrate Thanksgiving. We were havig an intimate chat catching up on all the months since we met last, and felt very comfortable with each other.

I started telling her about consulting another friend if I could make an exception and visit my husband and wish him a happy Thanksgiving. Elke burst in and said, “But you can’t, you have… ” She didn’t finish the sentence and I yelled at her loudly, “Let me finish!”

Once I said it, I felt a mixture of remorse for yelling, and angry at her for cutting me off. My mood changed immediately from being calm and joyful, to being angry and sour. I walked in silence to the restaurant with my friends, but I felt apart.

In the restaurant, since both Elke and her husband were kind and friendly, my moode changed again and I regained the festive spirit.

Toward the end of the meal I shared my experience with them and said, ‘I didn’t really have to yell. I had other options to deal with the interruption. At the moment it seemed as if my screaming was inevitible, but it wasn’t. I could ask her why she interrupted me, I could smile and nod and continue with the story,  I could even give her a kiss and keep on going. Yelling was a poor choice, and I want to learn to make better ones.”

 

My mother nodded on the screen and said, “You are right, my daughter, screaming is rarely the best course of action. You keep learning. Wonderful!

When my mom praises me on Skype, it feels like a caress, so nice.